Story by Mark
I seem sixty and married, but these effects are due to my condition
and sufferings, for I am a bachelor, and only forty-one. It will be
hard for you to believe that I, who am now but a shadow, was a hale,
hearty man two short years ago, a man of iron, a very athlete! --yet
such is the simple truth. But stranger still than this fact is the
way in which I lost my health. I lost it through helping to take care
of a box of guns on a two-hundred-mile railway journey one winter's
night. It is the actual truth, and I will tell you about it.
I belong in Cleveland, Ohio. One winter's night, two years ago, I
reached home just after dark, in a driving snow-storm, and the first
thing I heard when I entered the house was that my dearest boyhood
friend and schoolmate, John B. Hackett, had died the day before, and
that his last utterance had been a desire that I would take his
remains home to his poor old father and mother in Wisconsin. I was
greatly shocked and grieved, but there was no time to waste in
emotions; I must start at once. I took the card, marked "Deacon Levi
Hackett, Bethlehem, Wisconsin," and hurried off through the whistling
storm to the railway station. Arrived there I found the long
white-pine box which had been described to me; I fastened the card to
it with some tacks, saw it put safely aboard the express car, and then
ran into the eating-room to provide myself with a sandwich and some
cigars. When I returned, presently, there was my coffin-box back
again, apparently, and a young fellow examining around it, with a card
in his hands, and some tacks and a hammer! I was astonished and
puzzled. He began to nail on his card, and I rushed out to the
express car, in a good deal of a state of mind, to ask for an
explanation. But no--there was my box, all right, in the express car;
it hadn't been disturbed. [The fact is that without my suspecting it
a prodigious mistake had been made. I was carrying off a box of guns
which that young fellow had come to the station to ship to a rifle
company in Peoria, Illinois, and he had got my corpse!] Just then the
conductor sung out "All aboard," and I jumped into the express car and
got a comfortable seat on a bale of buckets. The expressman was
there, hard at work,--a plain man of fifty, with a simple, honest,
good- natured face, and a breezy, practical heartiness in his general
style. As the train moved off a stranger skipped into the car and set
a package of peculiarly mature and capable Limburger cheese on one end
of my coffin-box--I mean my box of guns. That is to say, I know now
that it was Limburger cheese, but at that time I never had heard of
the article in my life, and of course was wholly ignorant of its
character. Well, we sped through the wild night, the bitter storm
raged on, a cheerless misery stole over me, my heart went down, down,
down! The old expressman made a brisk remark or two about the tempest
and the arctic weather, slammed his sliding doors to, and bolted them,
closed his window down tight, and then went bustling around, here and
there and yonder, setting things to rights, and all the time
contentedly humming "Sweet By and By," in a low tone, and flatting a
good deal. Presently I began to detect a most evil and searching odor
stealing about on the frozen air. This depressed my spirits still
more, because of course I attributed it to my poor departed friend.
There was something infinitely saddening about his calling himself to
my remembrance in this dumb pathetic way, so it was hard to keep the
tears back. Moreover, it distressed me on account of the old
expressman, who, I was afraid, might notice it. However, he went
humming tranquilly on, and gave no sign; and for this I was grateful.
Grateful, yes, but still uneasy; and soon I began to feel more and
more uneasy every minute, for every minute that went by that odor
thickened up the more, and got to be more and more gamey and hard to
stand. Presently, having got things arranged to his satisfaction, the
expressman got some wood and made up a tremendous fire in his stove.
This distressed me more than I can tell, for I could not but feel
that it was a mistake. I was sure that the effect would be
deleterious upon my poor departed friend. Thompson--the expressman's
name was Thompson, as I found out in the course of the night--now went
poking around his car, stopping up whatever stray cracks he could
find, remarking that it didn't make any difference what kind of a
night it was outside, he calculated to make us comfortable, anyway. I
said nothing, but I believed he was not choosing the right way.
Meantime he was humming to himself just as before; and meantime, too,
the stove was getting hotter and hotter, and the place closer and
closer. I felt myself growing pale and qualmish, but grieved in
silence and said nothing.
Soon I noticed that the "Sweet By and By " was gradually fading
out; next it ceased altogether, and there was an ominous stillness.
After a few moments Thompson said,
"Pfew! I reckon it ain't no cinnamon 't I've loaded up thish-yer
He gasped once or twice, then moved toward the cof--gun-box, stood
over that Limburger cheese part of a moment, then came back and sat
down near me, looking a good deal impressed. After a contemplative
pause, he said, indicating the box with a gesture,
"Friend of yourn?"
"Yes," I said with a sigh.
"He's pretty ripe, ain't he!"
Nothing further was said for perhaps a couple of minutes, each
being busy with his own thoughts; then Thompson said, in a low, awed
"Sometimes it's uncertain whether they're really gone or not,--seem
gone, you know--body warm, joints limber--and so, although you think
they're gone, you don't really know. I've had cases in my car. It's
perfectly awful, becuz you don't know what minute they'll rise up and
look at you!" Then, after a pause, and slightly lifting his elbow
toward the box,-- "But he ain't in no trance! No, sir, I go bail for
We sat some time, in meditative silence, listening to the wind and
the roar of the train; then Thompson said, with a good deal of
"Well-a-well, we've all got to go, they ain't no getting around it.
Man that is born of woman is of few days and far between, as
Scriptur' says. Yes, you look at it any way you want to, it's awful
solemn and cur'us: they ain't nobody can get around it; all's got to
go--just everybody, as you may say. One day you're hearty and
strong"--here he scrambled to his feet and broke a pane and stretched
his nose out at it a moment or two, then sat down again while I
struggled up and thrust my nose out at the same place, and this we
kept on doing every now and then--" and next day he's cut down like
the grass, and the places which knowed him then knows him no more
forever, as Scriptur' says. Yes'ndeedy, it's awful solemn and cur'us;
but we've all got to go, one time or another; they ain't no getting
There was another long pause; then,--
"What did he die of?"
I said I didn't know.
"How long has he ben dead?"
It seemed judicious to enlarge the facts to fit the probabilities;
so I said,
"Two or three days."
But it did no good; for Thompson received it with an injured look
which plainly said, "Two or three years, you mean." Then he went
right along, placidly ignoring my statement, and gave his views at
considerable length upon the unwisdom of putting off burials too long.
Then he lounged off toward the box, stood a moment, then came back on
a sharp trot and visited the broken pane, observing,
"'Twould 'a' ben a dum sight better, all around, if they'd started
him along last summer."
Thompson sat down and buried his face in his red silk handkerchief,
and began to slowly sway and rock his body like one who is doing his
best to endure the almost unendurable. By this time the fragrance--if
you may call it fragrance--was just about suffocating, as near as you
can come at it. Thompson's face was turning gray; I knew mine hadn't
any color left in it. By and by Thompson rested his forehead in his
left hand, with his elbow on his knee, and sort of waved his red
handkerchief towards the box with his other hand, and said,--
"I've carried a many a one of 'em,--some of 'em considerable
overdue, too,--but, lordy, he just lays over 'em all!--and does it
easy Cap., they was heliotrope to HIM!"
This recognition of my poor friend gratified me, in spite of the
sad circumstances, because it had so much the sound of a compliment.
Pretty soon it was plain that something had got to be done. I
suggested cigars. Thompson thought it was a good idea. He said,
"Likely it'll modify him some."
We puffed gingerly along for a while, and tried hard to imagine
that things were improved. But it wasn't any use. Before very long,
and without any consultation, both cigars were quietly dropped from
our nerveless fingers at the same moment. Thompson said, with a sigh,
"No, Cap., it don't modify him worth a cent. Fact is, it makes him
worse, becuz it appears to stir up his ambition. What do you reckon
we better do, now?"
I was not able to suggest anything; indeed, I had to be swallowing
and swallowing, all the time, and did not like to trust myself to
speak. Thompson fell to maundering, in a desultory and low-spirited
way, about the miserable experiences of this night; and he got to
referring to my poor friend by various titles,--sometimes military
ones, sometimes civil ones; and I noticed that as fast as my poor
friend's effectiveness grew, Thompson promoted him accordingly,--gave
him a bigger title. Finally he said,
"I've got an idea. Suppos' n we buckle down to it and give the
Colonel a bit of a shove towards t'other end of the car? --about ten
foot, say. He wouldn't have so much influence, then, don't you
I said it was a good scheme. So we took in a good fresh breath at
the broken pane, calculating to hold it till we got through; then we
went there and bent over that deadly cheese and took a grip on the
box. Thompson nodded "All ready," and then we threw ourselves forward
with all our might; but Thompson slipped, and slumped down with his
nose on the cheese, and his breath got loose. He gagged and gasped,
and floundered up and made a break for the door, pawing the air and
saying hoarsely, "Don't hender me! --gimme the road! I'm a-dying;
gimme the road!" Out on the cold platform I sat down and held his head
a while, and he revived. Presently he said,
"Do you reckon we started the Gen'rul any?"
I said no; we hadn't budged him.
"Well, then, that idea's up the flume. We got to think up
something else. He's suited wher' he is, I reckon; and if that's the
way he feels about it, and has made up his mind that he don't wish to
be disturbed, you bet he's a-going to have his own way in the
business. Yes, better leave him right wher' he is, long as he wants
it so; becuz he holds all the trumps, don't you know, and so it stands
to reason that the man that lays out to alter his plans for him is
going to get left."
But we couldn't stay out there in that mad storm; we should have
frozen to death. So we went in again and shut the door, and began to
suffer once more and take turns at the break in the window. By and
by, as we were starting away from a station where we had stopped a
moment Thompson. pranced in cheerily, and exclaimed,
"We're all right, now! I reckon we've got the Commodore this time.
I judge I've got the stuff here that'll take the tuck out of him."
It was carbolic acid. He had a carboy of it. He sprinkled it all
around everywhere; in fact he drenched everything with it, rifle-box,
cheese and all. Then we sat down, feeling pretty hopeful. But it
wasn't for long. You see the two perfumes began to mix, and
then--well, pretty soon we made a break for the door; and out there
Thompson swabbed his face with his bandanna and said in a kind of
"It ain't no use. We can't buck agin him. He just utilizes
everything we put up to modify him with, and gives it his own flavor
and plays it back on us. Why, Cap., don't you know, it's as much as a
hundred times worse in there now than it was when he first got
a-going. I never did see one of 'em warm up to his work so, and take
such a dumnation interest in it. No, Sir, I never did, as long as
I've ben on the road; and I've carried a many a one of 'em, as I was
We went in again after we were frozen pretty stiff; but my, we
couldn't stay in, now. So we just waltzed back and forth, freezing,
and thawing, and stifling, by turns. In about an hour we stopped at
another station; and as we left it Thompson came in with a bag, and
"Cap., I'm a-going ,to chance him once more,--just this once; and
if we don't fetch him this time, the thing for us to do, is to just
throw up the sponge and withdraw from the canvass. That's the way I
put it up." He had brought a lot of chicken feathers, and dried
apples, and leaf tobacco, and rags, and old shoes, and sulphur, and
asafoetida, and one thing or another; and he, piled them on a breadth
of sheet iron in the middle of the floor, and set fire to them.
When they got well started, I couldn't see, myself, how even the
corpse could stand it. All that went before was just simply poetry to
that smell,--but mind you, the original smell stood up out of it just
as sublime as ever,--fact is, these other smells just seemed to give
it a better hold; and my, how rich it was! I didn't make these
reflections there--there wasn't time--made them on the platform. And
breaking for the platform, Thompson got suffocated and fell; and
before I got him dragged out, which I did by the collar, I was mighty
near gone myself. When we revived, Thompson said dejectedly,--
"We got to stay out here, Cap. We got to do it. They ain't no
other way. The Governor wants to travel alone, and he's fixed so he
can outvote us."
And presently he added,
"And don't you know, we're pisoned. It's our last trip, you can
make up your mind to it. Typhoid fever is what's going to come of
this. I feel it acoming right now. Yes, sir, we're elected, just as
sure as you're born."
We were taken from the platform an hour later, frozen and
insensible, at the next station, and I went straight off into a
virulent fever, and never knew anything again for three weeks. I
found out, then, that I had spent that awful night with a harmless box
of rifles and a lot of innocent cheese; but the news was too late to
save me; imagination had done its work, and my health was permanently
shattered; neither Bermuda nor any other land can ever bring it back
tome. This is my last trip; I am on my way home to die.