The Hateful Hen by Edgar Wilson Bill Nye
The following inquiries and replies have been awaiting publication
and I shall print them here if the reader has no objections. I do not
care to keep correspondents waiting too long for fear they will get
tired and fail to write me in the future when they want to know
anything. Mr. Earnest Pendergast writes from Puyallup as follows:
Why do you not try to improve your appearance more? I think you
could if you would, and we would all be so glad. You either have a very
malicious artist, or else your features must pain you a good deal at
times. Why don't you grow a mustache?
These remarks, of course, are a little bit personal, Earnest, but
still they show your goodness of heart. I fear that you are cursed with
the fatal gift of beauty yourself and wish to have others go with you
on the downward way. You ask why I do not grow a mustache, and I tell
you frankly that it is for the public good that I do not. I used to
wear a long, drooping and beautiful mustache, which was well received
in society, and, under the quiet stars and opportune circumstances,
gave good satisfaction; but at last the hour came when I felt that I
must decide between this long, silky mustache and soft-boiled eggs, of
which I am passionately fond. I hope that you understand my position,
Earnest, and that I am studying the public welfare more than my own at
Sassafras Oleson, of South Deadman, writes to know something of the
care of fowls in the spring and summer. Do you know, he asks,
anything of the best methods for feeding young orphan chickens? Is
there any way to prevent hens from stealing their nests and sitting on
inanimate objects? Tell us as tersely as possible what your own
experience has been with hens.
To speak tersely of the hen and her mission in life seems to me
almost sacrilege. It is at least in poor taste. The hen and her works
lie near to every true heart. She does much toward making us better,
and she doesn't care who knows it, either. Young chicks who have lost
their mothers by death, and whose fathers are of a shiftless and
improvident nature, may be fed on kumiss, two parts; moxie, eight
parts; distilled water, ten parts. Mix and administer till relief is
obtained. Sometimes, however, a guinea hen will provide for the young
chicken, and many lives have been saved in this way. Whether or not
this plan will influence the voice of the rising hen is a question
among henologists of the country which I shall not attempt to answer.
Hens who steal their nests are generally of a secretive nature and
are more or less social pariahs. A hen who will do this should be
watched at all times and won back by kind words from the step she is
about to take. Brute force will accomplish little. Logic also does not
avail. You should endeavor to influence her by showing her that it is
honorable at all times to lay a good egg, and that as soon as she
begins to be secretive and to seek to mislead those who know and love
her, she takes a course which can not end with honor to herself or her
I have made the hen a study for many years, and love to watch her
even yet as she resumes her toils on a falling market year after year,
or seeks to hatch out a summer hotel by setting on a door knob. She
interests and pleases me. Careful study of the hen convinces me that
her low, retreating forehead is a true index to her limited reasoning
faculties and lack of memory, ideality, imagination, calculation and
spirituality. She is also deficient in her enjoyment of humor.
I once owned a large white draught rooster, who stood about seven
hands high, and had feet on him that would readily break down a whole
corn-field if he walked through it. Yet he lacked the courage of his
convictions, and socially was not a success. Leading hens regarded him
as a good-hearted rooster, and seemed to wonder that he did not get on
better in a social way. He had a rich baritone voice, and was a good
provider, digging up large areas of garden, and giving the hens what
was left after he got through, and yet they gave their smiles to far
more dissolute though perhaps brighter minds. So I took him away
awhile, and let him see something of the world by allowing him to visit
among the neighbors, and go into society a little. Then I brought him
home again, and one night colored him with diamond dyes so that he was
a beautiful scarlet. His name was Sumner.
I took Sumner the following morning and turned him loose among his
old neighbors. Surprise was written on every face. He realized his
advantage, and the first thing he did was to greet the astonished crowd
with a gutteral remark, which made them jump. He then stepped over to a
hated rival, and ate off about fifteen cents' worth of his large, red,
pompadour comb. He now remarked in a courteous way to a small
Poland-China hen, who seemed to be at the head of all works of social
improvement, that we were having rather a backward spring. Then he
picked out the eye of another rival, much to his surprise, and went on
with the conversation. By noon the bright scarlet rooster owned the
town. Those who had picked on him before had now gone to the hospital,
and practically the social world was his. He got so stuck up that he
crowed whenever the conversation lagged, and was too proud to eat a
worm that was not right off the ice. I never saw prosperity knock the
sense out of a rooster so soon. He lost my sympathy at once, and I
resolved to let him carve out his own career as best he might.
Gradually his tail feathers grew gray and faded, but he wore his
head high. He was arrogant and made the hens go worming for his
breakfast by daylight. Then he would get mad at the food and be real
hateful and step on the little chickens with his great big feet.
But as his new feathers began to come in folks got on to him, as
Matthew Arnold has it, and the other roosters began to brighten up and
also blow up their biceps muscles.
[Illustration: He looked up sadly at me with his one eye as who
should say, Have you got any more of that there red paint left?
One day he was especially mean at breakfast. A large fat worm,
brought to him by the flower of his harem, had a slight gamey flavor,
he seemed to think, and so he got mad and bit several chickens with his
great coarse beak and stepped on some more and made a perfect show of
At this moment a small bantam wearing one eye still in mourning
danced up and kicked Sumner's eye out. Then another rival knocked the
stuffing for a whole sofa pillow out of Sumner, and retired. By this
time the surprised and gratified hens stepped back and gave the boys a
chance. The bantam now put on his trim little telegraph climbers and,
going up Mr. Sumner's powerful frame at about four jumps, he put in
some repairs on the giant's features, presented his bill, and returned.
By nine o'clock Sumner didn't have features enough left for a Sunday
paper. He looked as if he had been through the elevated station at City
Hall and Brooklyn bridge. He looked up sadly at me with his one eye as
who should say, Have you got any more of that there red paint left?
But I shook my head at him and he went away into a little patch of
catnip and stayed there four days. After that you could get that
rooster to do anything for youexcept lay. He was gentle to a fault.
He would run errands for those hens and turn an icecream freezer for
them all day on lawn festival days while others were gay. He never
murmured nor repined. He was kind to the little chickens and often
spoke to them about the general advantages of humility.
After many years of usefulness Sumner one day thoughtlessly ate the
remains of a salt mackerel, and pulling the drapery of his couch about
him he lay down to pleasant dreams, and life's fitful fever was over.
His remains were given to a poor family in whom I take a great
interest, frequently giving them many things for which I have no
This should teach us that some people can not stand prosperity, but
need a little sorrow, ever and anon, to teach them where they belong.
And, oh! how the great world smiles when a rooster, who has owned the
ranch for a year or so, and made himself odious, gets spread out over
the United States by a smaller one with less voice.
The study of the fowl is filled with interest. Of late years I keep
fowls instead of a garden. Formerly my neighbors kept fowls and I kept
It is better as it is.
Mertie Kersykes, Whatcom, Washington, writes as follows: Dear Mr.
Nye, does pugilists ever reform? They are so much brought into Contax
with course natures that I do not see how they can ever, ever become
good lives or become professors of religion. Do you know if such is the
case to the best of your knowledge, and answeer Soon as convenient, and
so no more at Present.