The Floating Island
by Richard Head
The Floating Island: OR, A NEW DISCOVERY, RELATING The strange Adventure
on a late
RAMALLIA, To the Eastward of
Terra del Templo: By
Least-in-Sight, Under the Conduct of Captain
Owe-much: Describing the Nature of the Inhabitants, their Religion,
Laws and Customs.Published by
one of the Discoverers.
To the Reader.
Let me beg thee not to cavil with the name of this ensuing
Treatise, since the nature of it is not to reflect on any perticular
person; and therefore it is expected that you will be less offended at
any thing herein contained, than at the late Theatrical Entertainments,
which are the severe Anatomies of these licentious Times, and the harsh
characters of the follies of some Janties, who (one wou'd think) should
be deterred from the Commission of them, if for no other reason than to
avoyd the hard censure of this o're critical Age.
It is well observed by the Remarker of the Humours and Conversation
of the Town, that all are content to be taken in pieces at a Playhouse,
and to be exhibited for divertisement on the Stage. I hope these my
Reflections may be accompanied with as little exception, or displeasure
My intent herein was not grounded on private revenge, occasioned by any
animosity to one or more persons, but following the just Laws of
Writing, I have insisted on those errours and fopperies, which may
convey instruction and admonition to others. I have only lasht the
debauchery of a Fop-Jaunty Suburbian; it being indeed a shame the City
should be made by every Cap'ring Fancy, the continual Subject of
I will step ere long into the Country, aed observe what vices are
there most predominant, whether they are communicated from us to them,
or have their derivation from their own sourses and Fontinels. I
question whether there be among them that Innocence in affairs and
pastime, which is pretended; but that under every Hedge and little
Village, Vice and Vanity walk as bare faced as in Holborn, Strand, &c.
But I only promise you this Description with this proviso, that
you like my present Discovery. It was pen'd last long Vacation, when
all I had to do, was to hide my self from the Inquisition of my cruel
Creditors; for which purpose I lodg'd in Ram-alley for the benefit of ]
the Temple Walks, which I call the Rum Stampers under the Blowers, and
for the daily converse of such as were equally indigent and indebted as
my self: In which place to divers my self and boon associates, I formed
this supposed Voyage from Lambeth to the Bridge on one side, and back
again the other, recounting all remarkables between the two Shores; the
one whereof (on the City side) I call the Christian, on Southwark side
the Turkish or Barbarian.
Towards Cape-verd (or Greens-wharfe near Chairing-cross) I have
somewhat sharply censur'd the idle humors of some, but I protest none
but such who deserve the severest censure: Men that are so onely in
appearance, and Gentlemen by their gaudy apparel; who having little to
live on but their shifts, imploy all the time they can spare from
Drinking and Whoring, in racking their Wits to indulge their sensuality
by any means whatever. Coming to Ramallia (which I call Villa Franca,
because there is a place so named in the Indies, which is a Sanctuary
to all persons whatsoever) I say coming thither under the pretence of
describing the nature of the Inhabitants of that famous Kingdom, (which
is now different from what it was) I give an account of the Condition
of a poor Debtor, and what shifts he is forced to use to preserve his
As for their Laws (which I have comprehended in some few cases) I
hope none will cavil at, since they were never intended to be cavil'd
with; and he that shall put himself under the administration of them,
shall (I hope) reap loud laughter, instead of long vexation: in short,
if this meets with a total dislike, very shortly I shall endeavour to
please you better,
THE Nevv Discovery:
OR, A VOYAGE FROM
Villa Franca, alias
The Term being ended, and a long
Vacation ensuing, a
Council was held of Indigent persons, and such who were both Indebted
and Insolvent: wherein it was debated what course might be the
most expedient, for the present relief, and future prevention of such
insufferable mischiefs, which dayly threatned the utter ruine of the
poor and distressed Society, called the Owe-much, or Bankrupt.
Then did this
Council of Safety sit, when the
at Temple-Bar had no other imployment, but making of pens,
writing of blank Bonds, or texting of Bills for letting of Chambers in Chancery-laue. The Vintners and Cooks were now possest with a
humility more than usual; with the one you might drink, and with the
other eat, without the perpetual din of an ill-tun'd jarring Bell, or
the incessant hauling of a peek-wide mouth, half roasted with the
scalding hot dripping of its own greasie substance.
Now had the Hostlers of
Holborn, and the
than ordinary care to lay up their Guests Boots, not so much out of
observance to their Masters (as they call them) as out of fear of their
slipping out of Town, without their knowledg; for they well knew that a
Country Attorney could no longer indure the unwholsom air of an eight
peny Ordinary: and now was the time when we (as well as others) thought
it fit to withdraw, or hide our selves from the horrour of a dreadful Judgment, and irremediless cruel
I Robert Owe much, by the unanimous voice of the whole
Society, was elected
President of this
that my name did so correspond with my debts; they knowing I owed as
much as the whole Company besides: the names of the Persons then
Various were our consultations for the general good, without any
result, till at length one James Standish, a man very fluid, and
a notable Penman stood up; and having before bound up his
opinion in some studied expressions, unclasping his thoughts he
thus opened his meaning.
The Speech of James Standish
Stationer, at a special Meeting of the Society of Owe-much.
Friends & Brethren,
The old saying, Solamen miseris Socios habuisse dolore pleads
not greater antiquity, than comfort for to be miserable alone is
insufferable; our affliction is so much the more extenuated, by how
much others are interested therein; now therefore in civil policy it
concerns us to be so much the more industrious, as we are become
numerous above former Ages; and no endeavour can be so beneficial, and
honourable, than the enlarging of our Territory by Discovery, and
plantation in parts habitable and agreeable with our debitory
disposition, where we may disperse our Colonies with more conveniency
and advantage, than at this present: for which purpose it will be very
requisite, that immediately two ships be fitted out, Viz. The Least in
Sight, and the Excuse, and that the Paynought (that approved, and well
appointed Pinnace) shall accompany them; and that the charge and
command of them be committed and confirmed on Robert Owe-much, who
shall man them with persons best qualified in the Art of Insolvency,
the greater part whereof the said Robert hath known, and tryed to be
men of much Trust, being his own Creditors, and Creatures of his own
making, and that he requite some of them, by bestowing on them
Employments under his Command; for Example, let his Mercer be made
Master of the Least in Sight, and his Baker, Boat-Swain; as for his
Vintner, because he bestowed many a shot upon him in his prosperity,
let him be made Master-Gunner in adversity; and that he may make his
Enemies to Smoak, let his Tobacco-man be Gunner's-Mate; let his Taylor
(having the best Stomach for action) be made Steward, and have charge
of the Victual for the Voyage. I think a Purser we need not, since it
is held among us to be a very foolish thing to keep Accounts, where
there is no purpose of Payment.
This Speech was generally approved of,
contradicente; and thereupon many hands were set at work for the
fitting out these Ships for the Discovery.
The Winter Season being over, and the Spring advancing, we got all
things in a readiness; and on Munday, being the first of March
(and S David's Day) the Wind at West South-West, we Sailed from Lambethana, keeping our Course East and by North: we Sailed few
Leagues, before the Weather grew hazie, at length the Air became very
thick and foggy, insomuch that the Pinnace lost sight of the Admiral, and could not have recovered her, but for a
that was placed in her Stern, in the place of the Lanthorn, by the
sent whereof the Pinnace recovered sight of her again by break
of day the next morning.
The Second day the weather was very variable, and stormy; this day
we met with a Western Brigantine who kept us company in peaceful
manner, till by an unhappy accident, the Fleet had like to have
been utterly ruined, and thus it was.
One of our Ships Crew was a Welch-man, who in honor of his Country
and S. David (whose Festival was the day before) told many
wonderful, and incredible things, in praise of his heroick Country-men:
but more especially he averred that the Welch (the antient Brittish Stock) were never conquered by the
Romans; tis true
(said an unlucky Crack) but you may thank your policy for that;
for when Cæsar had slain the major part of the flower of your
youth, and still pursuing his Conquests; and that you saw no remedy but
that the rest of you must likewise fall into his hands, ye then raised
a long Bulwark, not so much to oppose, as to surprize him, for
ye took a vast number of your long bearded Goats, and fastned them at a
convenient distance, causing nothing to appear above the Rampire, but
their heads and beards, and then retired your selves into the
mountains; Cæsar about to make an assault, was hindred by the
dismal cry of the poor Goats, one ecchoing to the other Baw, baw;
whereupon that valiant Commander withdrew, saying, let it suffice we
have slain the Youth, and let us not fall on their old doting
Grandsires, who now cry to us for mercy:
This story did not create so great a laughter in us, as it did fury
in the Western Brigantines, who thinking we had cry'd baw
in derision to them, discharged upon us a broadside of stones,
repeated so often, that had we not been excellent Sailers, we had not
escaped without considerable loss.
The third and fourth day we spoon'd onward for most advantage, and
met with several Fisher-men, but not an Hollander among
them, it seems they have other fish to fry.
The fifth day about eight a Clock we met with a floating
without a man in her; we boarded her, but for our lives we could not
rummage her Hold, as we would; however we made a shift to carry off
some Eels, but no other fish, though there was variety and plenty,
which fresh provision was a great refreshment to our sickly Landmen.
The Enemy from the Turkish shore perceiving this, made
out to us, but their Oars came short of our Sails.
The next morning about ten a clock, my
Pylot (which formerly
had been a Spectacle-maker) descryed a Sail making towards us;
coming up, we vilely suspected him by his flag to be the Water
Cannibal of Troy-novant.
Whereupon I called a Council aboard, to consider what was to be done
in this imminent extremity. Some advised, that it was most fit to make
to Land, if any knew where to touch without hazard: Others of more
undaunted Spirits, and higher resolution, advised to run the risk of an
engagement, and to draw our number out of sight into the Hold, the more
to encourage the Enemy to a nearer approach; which opinion was
generally approved of, and allowed.
Presently I gave order for the Sublimation of every
aboard, and for the exhilerating their Spirits, that an extraordinary
allowance be made instantly; viz. That one ounce of Tobacco be
divided between every two; and as for liquors, let every man that hath
them drink what he please out of his own Guarde Vines.
Looking about me, not without some fear, rais'd by the apprehensions
of danger, a Taylor (who had formerly been a Creature of mine)
addrest himself to me, whose Conscience being more tender than his
Stomach, would needs be resolved in two points concerning his Souls
health, before the fight should begin.
The first was, whether the Cause, and Quarrel they were to
undertake, were justifiable or not, since that he ever held Ludgate,
more worthy than Newgate, in divers respects?
And the next was, whether (in case he should miscarry in the action)
Limbus Patrum & Infantum were not under his own
My Chaplain over-hearing the
propositions (although he was formerly a Vinegar man, yet still a
fellow of excellent sharp apprehension) and straining to answer
these Scruples, he could not be heard for the insufferable noise of a Confectioner, and
Sugar-baker, who nothing but bawled up and
down (to the great disheartning of our men) Sweet meet must have
sour sauce, I see; whereupon to still their clamouring I was forced
to command Bushel (the Meal-man) to sow them up in two
sacks, and to let them breath no otherwise, than through the holes the
Rats had eaten, and so keep them Prisoners till the Fight was ended.
The Enemy approaching nearer and nearer, every one applied
himself to his charge; and now just as the Master-Gunner was
ready to let fly (I do not mean for fear) we perceived our supposed Assailant to be a friend, coming from the
bound for Fox-hall; the men were all very jolly, though some of
them a little Sea-sick; they need not hang out any Colours, what
was in their Faces was sufficient to declare them what they were:
whether they arrived safe to their intended Port I know not, and indeed
it is doubtful; for all of us judged the Vessel to be over laden,
of which they themselves were not insensible, for we perceived them
ever and anon to cast over board.
Canary-man, we stood away still to the Eastward,
but night coming on, and our Pilot careless, it hapned that the Excuse was
Stranded: whereupon the whole
forced to wait upon her till the next Tide, at the approach of which
she got off, with greater fear than damage.
Having again doubled the former allowance (for the better
encouraging our men) we sailed onwards, and in two Watches we discerned Firm land, lying upon the
Savoyans Eastward from
I immediately man'd out my Long-boat and sent it ashore, who in a
little time return'd, and inform'd me, that they believed it a spacious Continent, fit for
Plantation at four degrees Westward from
Terra del Templo.
Hereupon I resolved to take most of my men with me, and make a
further Discovery; I soon found the nature of the climate, it
being very temperate, & all accommodations most excellent, as long as
we had Silver to barter for their Commodities, of which they had plenty
of all sorts.
The Inhabitants little differ from
Europeans, and are
(like them) very covetous, being over greedy of Silver and Guinny Gold,
for which we might purchase any thing necessary, or desireable, either
on the Coast, or brought down from the Up land Countries.
The Palace is a very stately Fabrick, and hath been formerly
employed for charitable uses, and still serves as an excellent Refuge, and
Sanctuary for such, who are either forced by
banishment, or voluntary Exile, to desert their native or long lov'd
habitations, where they may live obscurely, and yet take their pleasure
abroad in the Countries round about, by the means of those several
convenient Avenues belonging thereunto, viz, for sporting on a
brave River, the Stairs; for the Land, the Great Gate butting Norwards
and seperated but by a very small Channel from Excestria. To the
Eastward there is an outlet which leadeth two ways, the one on the left
into the Dutchy, the other turning a little on the right, into Somersetania; by the first you have a conveyance into the Country
called Maypolia, and so have the whole Country before you to
make choice of; by the last a safe passage by water, or a conduct short
and commodious through the Provinces of White-Hart into Hortensia (vulgarly called
Covent-Garden) from whence you
may travail through the whole Kingdom.
The Slavonian-women supplied us with Fish, and fruits of all
sort, which they bring down in abundance from the Upland Countries;
in so much that we could not fear want of Provision, so long as
we had Money; nor question our Security, whilst we did
put our selves under the Protection of this place, or of the Dutchy
There have been some private assaults to infringe the ancient
priviledges hereof, but the Enemy most commonly came off with
considerable loss; some hardly escaping with their Ears.
Some have endeavoured to surprize the place by a Special
and a Staff, under the pretence of detecting Fellons,
Traytors, &c. but when it hath been discovered, that this was only
a stratagem to betray a poor Debtor, into the merciless hands of
his cruel Creditor, the Beacons have been instantly
fired, and by only saying, an Arrest; the whole Country hath
been alarm'd, and the treacherous underminers of this Countries antient
Priviledges have been all shamefully put to flight:
I cannot but commend the
Inhabitants for so doing, they
acting herein both charitably and Christianly; although some conceited
Zealots may accuse them of Heathenism, for imitating Ethnick customs in
the strange elevation of a May-pole, which say they, is the same with
those antient Wooden Pyramids dedicated to the honour of the Goddess Flora.
Here among the
Savoyans we left,
Humfrey Holland, Linnen
Draper, and Luke Vander-Goose, Taylor, with several others,
to Winter it, and the rest returned aboard with me; Hereupon I
presently order'd our Anchors to be weighed, having before given
notice, by loosing my sore-topsail, that I intended to depart speedily:
here we were in a little time under a fresh Gale of Wind, Steering due
East; but the wind chopt about in our teeth, which made us alter our
course for Cape-verd, or Greens Wharfe, where landing we
forraged it quite through on both sides.
This Country is very pleasant; the Inhabitants near the Shore, are a
borish clownish sort of people, having few sparks of Civility among
them; and yet but a little way from them, their Neighbours I may call
them, are great Pretenders to good breeding.
Now since I have toucht in general on the Character of the
Inhabitants, give me leave to discourse in particular, their Humors,
Natures, and Dispositions.
My stay being not long in this place, I shall lay down my
observations as brief as I can, and therefore the first thing I shall
acquaint you with is, As some of them are over-affected with fashions,
and fine cloaths, so they are extraordinary conceited of their own
ingenuity. In the speculation of their own good parts (as well Male, as
Female) every thing appertaining to them, seems far better then it is,
like a Microscope multiplying any minute thing to forty times
its bignes; so opinionative they are, that where ever they appear, they
conceive all mens thoughts very idle, that are not busied about them:
in short, they know themselves so well, that they do not know
themselves at all. They are great pretenders to wit, nothing being now
more a la mode, than to be accounted ingenious, if for no other
reason, than that this Age hath out-done all former Ages
in producing a Society of Virtuosi, and yet for all this, they
look not on learning as the fewel to the fire of that wit they pretend
to, and so having but a little, spend upon the main stock, and in a
little time become Bankrupts.
They are hugely addicted to quibbling, and will dart out on a
sudden, that which if taken, whilst warm, may be laught at; but if
suffer'd to cool, worth nothing.
Some of them when they have arrived to the height of writing a Song,
or Poem (I speak of the Women, as well as the Men, for in this witty
Age, womens wit doth pester too the Stage) I say if their fancy sore so
high, as to be guilty of a measur'd line, they never go without it, and
in all Companies read it, as if they were inspired or raptured; then
rail at the ignorance and foppery of some late ingenious drammatick
Writers; and although they can give no reason for their Censure, yet
they think it commendable enough they have done it, and thereby have
added much to their own reputation.
I observed among these witty men, that nothing must stop a Jest when
it is coming, nor friend nor danger, but out it must, though their
bloods follow after. In short, they think their life is but to laugh,
and I think to be laughed at, being Wits in Jest,
and Fools in Earnest.
Another sort there are, whose whole delight consists in Whoring,
Drinking, and Dancing: if any mischief escape these men, it is not
their fault, for they laid as fair for it as they could. They think
that day mis-spent, in which they go sober to bed; and if they have not
made some new bawdy discovery that day, they can give no account on't.
There is nothing that they hate more than a serious, or a
melancholly thought, and if at any time it seise them, it sends them to
be drunk again, delighting in no other company but Wine, Wenches, and
Another sort of people I observed, whose soul and its faculties
consisted in rigging or dressing themselves to the best advantage; and
that they might not lose either the benefit of nature or their
extraordinary labour, they omit no opportunity to visit such publick or
private places, where a good shape and habit is best shown: the
pointing of their discourse is new studied Oaths, being as curious of
them as their fashion: , 11, sig. C2] their talk is generally of
Ladies, and such like pretty Toys, and do take a wonderful delight in
repeating some passages in Plays, which with a grace they utter, even
I wonder these people are not deafned with the continual noise of
Coaches, the dead of night being not exempted from their confused
rattling; since I have read that the fall of Nile (called the Cataracts) deafens with its noise the people seven miles round:
these Coaches are almost as numerous as the people. But they have
another way of carriage called a Sedan, which I should highly
commend for its easiness, were I as Gouty and Pocky as their first Founders.
I will not detain you with more Characters, onely I will tell you
how afrighted I was upon my first coming ashore, meeting with a thing
in glorious habit but with a face as black as Hell; I took her to be
some She-Devil had lost her infernal Sweet-heart, and
thought to have found him here in some carnal disguise; had she
cry'd bough as I came near her, she had undoubtedly frightned my wits
from making these discoveries; but let us leave her with a soul as
black within, as her face is without, shrowded by that Diabolical
invention the Vizard-mask, the absolute Pimp to her secret
Lastly you are to take notice, that this place (besides other goodly
beasts of all sorts) is famous for Harts, whose horns are of the
comliest branch and spreading that can be; whose dimension and
extension is unfathomable, so that in memory of them, we agreed to call
the lower part of this Country Harts horn Alley.
To give this place its last encomium, let me tell you, that the
constitution of the Air agreeth best with such that are in a single
condition: the youth here have an unlimited freedom, especially such
who are known and try'd to be men of great natural parts,
although they have but slender understandings: whereby some of
them can afford to spend five hundred pounds per Annum, although
their whole generation before them never saw so many shillings of
their own: and that their strength may be throughly discovered, and
their native vigour known before they are admitted as Menials
for venerial Service, some Chamber-maid must take them to task,
who shall make report what meer Nature hath perform'd, without the help
of jellies, or any such like provocations.
Likewise before they are admitted into this lulling, yet labouring
employ, Tobacco, and frequent Drunkenness is absolutely forbidden by
their Mistresses, they well knowing how much the one exhausts the
radical moisture, and the other weakens and debilitates the strongest
Men that are married live here very well too, provided they have
obtain'd the gift of seeing, and not seeing when they please; and such
who give the greatest freedom to their wives to be courted abroad,
shall have at home the greater In-some. This is held as a Maxim
among them, the handsomer the wife, the greater trade; and if she be a
grain too light, with prudence and good management, it will add weight
to her husbands concerns; And therefore an handsome woman standing at
the door, will attract more Customers than a gaudy gilded sign,
fetter'd with a Tun of Iron, which cost the value of a rising Scavenger's whole Estate.
But we have dwelt too long upon this subject, and in this place, and
therefore it is time to give you a farther account of our Voyage.
From Cape-Verd we sailed, keeping our Course due South, and
about four days after our departure, we made Land, but could not tell
what part of the world it belonged unto, at length we espied floating
Timber, with deal boards piled on the Bank-side, which made some
of us conclude it was Norway; but that opinion was soon blown
away by the sight of a monstrous tall bulky thing, which seem'd to us
to wave his hat about his head, and that way induce us to come ashore;
whilst from his guts proceeded a confused hideous noise, but from the
sound we could not understand a word: the more we stared hereon, the
more did our admiration encrease; fear made us stand at a distance, and
yet we were so near that we could look into his very entrals, his belly
being wide open, and could perceive a very strange motion within,
whilst his arms were continually agitated circularly, we knew not what
to think, but at length it was agreed on all hands, that this Country
must be Denmark, and that this monstrous creature was one of the
Issue of the Giant Colbron, who there stood with his arms
abroad, bidding defiance to all that past that way.
Fear did so wing our flight, and the wind so largely contributed its
assistance, that in a little time we found our selves not in a
condition to be harm'd or prejudiced by that Gigantick Scare-crow: had
we had as much valour as there was in Don-Quixot, one assault
would have prov'd him a meer airy flash, and could do nothing
but cry, saw, saw.
We were no sooner freed from this sight, but we encountred another,
which appeared no less terrible than the former at first sight; but
approaching somewhat nearer, some of our men having seen it before,
knew it to be a floating Island, called the Summer Island, or Scoti
Moria; it is an Island not so great, but that in less than four and
twenty hours we sail'd it round; it is much longer than it is broad,
but how many leagues the length may be, I cannot tell, for I took not
its dimension: it lies in the midst of Golpho de Thame-Isis: The Christian-shore lying to the
Norward, and the
Turkish-shore to the
Southward, bounded to the
with Pont-Troynovant, but to the Westward thereof, you
may sail up the Streights till you go as far as Maiden-head,
and farther, crossing the Equinoctial-line.
In our circumferating this
Floating Summer-Island, we took
special notice of its ingresses, but with our strictest indagation we
could find but two, one lying to the Southward, and the other to the
Westward, for the more convenient reception of the Christian and Barbarian Amazons, who in the Summer time constantly repair
thither, to meet with their Bully-Huffs and Hectors to
A Council was held to consult which
Port was safest to land
at; the one we found guarded with Knights of the Blew-apron,
with Pot-guns mounted, and charged, and their noses like
Linstocks were ready to fire them; hereupon we stood off, and made to
the other Port, whereupon we espied a white Apron, as a Flag
of Truce, displaying it self over the belly of a delicate woman,
who came thither Procreandi causâ; that colour we looked on as
the Emblem of Peace, and thereupon hoisting out my Long-boat, I
selected some of my principal men aboard, and went ashore, where I was
received with all demonstrations of Civility and Respect.
Their Language, I and my Company understood very well; for it was
the Lingua Franck which they spoke.
The greatest thing that I wondred at was, that instead of treading
on the surface of their Earth, we immediately enter'd into the bowels
of their Country; it somwhat startled us to think where we were going;
and now I thought of Æneas his descent to Hell, and wisht we
might escape but half as well.
My Myrmidons followed me close at heels, but Oh how we shook
when we heard the Thunder from above, and we had lightning too
before we went from thence.
I askt them the reason of this sudden thundring noise, hearing not
the least without? Sir, said one, The Naides are above playing
at Nine-pins, and you may make one if you please: I in modesty refused,
as thinking my self unfit company for Gods and Goddesses.
Looking about me I saw a lovely face, and every thing (to outward
view) thereunto corresponding, I presently imagined her one of the Cyprian Dames waiting Gentlewoman, who had given her
the slip, to injoy her greater liberty and freedome; upon which
suggestion I accosted her, and found her pliable beyond expectation,
and therefore gave her an invitation into my Tent.
I askt her divers questions, amongst the rest, whether she were an
Inhabitant of this
Isle? she answered no, but a
Westmonasterian; the resolution of my question made me more
inquisitive than before, to know what this Monasteria was, and
where it lay: but according to the Custome of Lambethana, I
thought it civility first to drink, before we entred further into
Discourse; whereupon I called one of the baser sort of people to me,
and bid him procure me some of the best Liquors of their Country, if
they would take Moneta Carolina in Exchange; gladly, gladly,
said this Scoti Morian, and in a trice brought me a Liquor, that
differ'd not at all in taste, from what is brewed at Lambethana,
and every whit as small: the Vice Roy of the Isle
condescended so low, as to bring me (propria personâ) a Bottle
of Red stuff; when I tasted it, methought I could have sworn it
was Claret, that's flat: I bad him bring me some other Wine,
which he did, but I found it was a Spaniard rack'd to death.
I soon gather'd from this pittiful pimping
Vice Roy, that his
whole Country could not afford one drop of strong Liquor, but what was
imported to him at extraordinary rates, by Merchants of other
Countries; nay, he had scarce any Water in his whole Dominion,
but what flowed about it; for which cause he had concav'd his whole
Isle, and turn'd it, as I may say, into a Cellar to contain what
comfortable Liquors, and other things should be brought him: What
Commodities he returns in exchange I know not; for I saw none, but what
were wrapt up in Silken petticoats, which like a Pig in a Poke you must
buy, or not at all.
Well the Inhabitants are a lazy sort of people, and not given to
Tillage; and yet sometimes they will plow with another mans Heifer.
They are to be commended for Lovers of
Pasture, and yet you
shall not see a green spot in their whole Land, but what
covers the belly of the Vice Roy's Lady, or his Billiard-Table.
In short, they are a wicked people, delighting in, and living on the
sins of others; so lazy, that they will not work; their whole
employment is drinking; Tobacco serves to air them after a
washing, and is their only breath and breathing while.
The entertainment of the place I liked not, and therefore I resolved
to hasten from thence, only I first desired to be satisfied as to the
Country aforesaid, called Westmonasteria; whereupon I demanded
of this Lady Errant an information herein.
Sir, said she, It lyeth to the Westward of
which place is too splendent for common eyes to behold, and too
virtuous for vulgar breath to prophane.
This Westmonasteria (although the place of my nativity) I
cannot describe perfectly, only I can tell you, it pleads great
antiquity, and is very famous for a wonderful structure once called the Temple of Apollo, besides it is beautified with the stately
structures of many Noble-Men.
The Gentry live in all manner of pleasure imaginable, but the
Plebeians delight is very uncertain, being always upon the
extreams, having either too much business to do, or too little.
For there are four
Seasons of the Year, which are as so many
Marts for the
Westmonasterians; the chiefest
that then is sold there, is only Words, only the Buyers
and Sellers bestow their Money now and then in somewhat that is
more substantial, to keep out the wind.
These Seasons are called
Terms, at which times there
is great resort of people coming from all parts of that great and
glorious Kingdom, called formerly by the name of Druina, of
which Troynovant is the Metropolis.
These people repair to a great and famous structure, called
Westmonasteriensis, and are distinguished by several names and
titles: Their habit is as strange as their Speech, and both concur to
amuze, and amaze the people.
They are very litigious, and never better pleased than in a hurly
burly of cavils and dissentions: ever more delighting to fish in
, 17, sig. D]
One would think that there is a great analogy between the
profession of these men, and a
Taylor; for they are
excellent at making Suits, which some after endeavouring to
mend, mar them quite: some know how to begin a Suit, but are
ignorant how to finish it.
Or they may in some respect be compared to the
since no creature lives more by the air than they, for as there are a
sort of people (according to report) which can sell a wind to a Sailer;
so these men will not part with their breath without a reward.
Having bauld themselves out of breath, and half swelter'd to death,
some of them withdraw into Hell, there to cool and refresh
themselves; one would think it a very improper place for that purpose,
and yet 'tis true, where such good entertainment is to be had, that
this Hell hath ever had a greater estimation than its
neighbouring Heaven; I have been in both, and had rather eat Barley-broath in the one, than drink
Canary in the other.
She would have proceeded but that this
Amazon was called
away, and so we lost the benefit of a further Discovery: having
paid the Customs of this Floating Summer-Island, we
departed: I call it a Summer-Island, because it is never seen in
this Golpho de Thamisis in the Winter; for cold frosty
weather will be the ruine of it, and therefore as Swallows and Cuckoos
are never seen in this Country, but in Summer, so this Island
always takes its choice of the Summer season for its appearance.
And as some fishes retire into the Concaves of rocks, upon the
approach of cold weather, so this Scoti Moria absconds or hides
it self within some narrow gut of the Inland-Country, and crawls
out again in fair and warm weather.
Not long after our departure, the Air serene and clear, and the wind
at West, we descried a Sail, hereupon I ordered the Decks to be clear'd, and the
Hammocks to be cut down; and
having quarter'd my men most advantagiously for fight, we bore up to
this supposed Man of War, and hail'd her; at first they
return'd us very rough language, but in fine, they told us they were a
people called Sanguinarii, and came from Holbornia, and
were bound for Ursina, called by the Natives the Bear Garden,
Being desirous to make farther Discoveries, we agreed to bear this
Ship Company to this strange Land: by the way we askt them what they
intended to do with those Smithfieldian Lyons they carried with
them; they told us, that it was customary for the Vice Roy of Ursina frequently to issue out his
or inviting all strangers whatsoever to come freely into his Territories, and there participate with him in such sports, as he
hath appointed for the Recreation of the People.
This report incouraged us to proceed, and having a fair wind and a
fresh gale, we quickly arrived at our intended Port.
Landing, we forth with directed our course to the famous
in our way we overtook great droves of forreign Nations,
resorting to this place to act their parts with Staff and Tayl;
here were the Barriers of Holbornia, and Chapel
Blanck; the Sanguinaries of the Forum near Nova
Janna (by some called the Whit) and of the Forum near Via Lactea, commonly called
Milk-street: hither also
repaired the People of Cheap Orient, as also the Smithfieldians, and
Ragga-Muffins, all which, or most, are subjects unto a
King, called Brute.
We had not travel'd far, before we espied a
Larg Flag to give
notice to strangers, where the Games were to be celebrated;
coming to the Gates of Vrsina, we could not get entrance,
till we had paid the Tribute the Vice Roy was accustomed
It seems this
Vice Roy hath little other revenue, than what
comes in by this Tax or Tribute; and therefore, not so
much for sport, as profit, he often publisheth his Proclamations
to congregate the People, and so concur with him in his Bestial Entertainments.
, 19, sig. D2]
Before the Sport begins, the
Vice Roy treats at their own
charge, whosoever will come into his Cellar, where the charge
and shot of five shillings is as quickly dispatcht, as the discharge of a
The People being all placed in this
many almost, and as strange Beasts are let out promiscuously, as were
formerly in the Ark. There was a great and strong beast called
by the name of one of the Signs of the Zodiack, Taurus; a
creature far more terrible than the Colchester Bull of old: for
as he stately walkt defying all opponents with his horns, so on a
sudden came an eruption of fire from his side, with a report, as if his Ribs had been converted into
Carbines: Phalaris his
was never half so hot as this appear'd, to all the Spectators
admiration; at the same time two Creatures (which borrowed their
names from two Constellations, Vrsa Major, and Vrsa Minor
) to avoid the fire, ran full drive at two Cornucopians
(vulgarly Staggs) who endeavouring to shun by flight the approaching
danger of these ill shapen; terrible Creatures, had like to have
dismounted Monsieur Simea, that little dapper Gentleman, who was
carelesly acting his Buffoonries in this Amphitheatre;
his Horse having more understanding than himself (and being very
apprehensive of the danger) did presently rise before, and yerking out
his hinder leggs to keep off the Cornucopians from goring his
sides, gave poor Tom Dove such a bang on the Ribs, that he
roar'd like the Lyons in the Tower: this noise alarm'd
the Canes and Caniculi, (a sort of dogs whose names I
cannot well remember) who came running in, and without asking what's
the matter, fell in tooth and nail; Luponi seeing this,
was at his wits ends, not knowing what to do, or whither to fly; but Vulpone being the craftier of the two, skulkt into a by-Corner,
keeping himself out of harms way, nor could any means remove him from
his resolved Station. The Vrsinians, with Bear-herds and
others, did now begin to bestir themselves, being as much busied as
their Beasts, and every whit in as stinking a condition: after a great
Cry and little Wool, with a great noise to little purpose, the Company
was dismist, and every man had permission to repair to his own Country,
excepting only such as were reserved for a Prey, for the great White Lyon belonging to the
King of Marshelsia; the cruelty
of which Tyrant we had sufficiently heard of, which made us with
greater speed to remove out of his Territories: whereupon we all
went on board, not missing a man, and standing away to the Eastward,
we sailed so far, till we came to a Ne plus ultra, and by the
great fall and hideous noise of the Waters, we concluded we were
arrived near that Gulph, which Sir Francis Drake shot,
when he went to visit the Antipades: as for my part I had not
finisht my business in this World, and till that was done, I had
no mind to visit another.
All under my command were of the same opinion and therefore we
resolved to return; and to favour our design, the Wind veerd about to South and by
East; hereupon we shaped our course
without discovering any thing remarkable for a great while, only we
met with by the way some Turks coming from Jetland, and
bound for Cole-Harbour.
The nineteenth of
June we met with several
swiming and sporting up and down: We were informed that they are Amphibii, and will live both on the land, and in the Water.
Here we only saw the Males of these
Sea-wonders, but up
higher in the Straits mouth, there are Female Mermaids,
which take their opportunities to delight themselves in swiming, but
are mighty shie, and therefore choose the night for their pastime.
Whilst I was in a serious contemplation of these Creatures, one of
our men cry'd out, Land, at which we were all over joy'd: and
that we might be certainly assured hereof, our Pilot (the
aforesaid Spectacle-maker) drew out his Perspective, with
which he confirmed our joys.
Hereupon we directed our course to this
Land, and in three
Watches we came to an Anchor in White Fryars Bay, and soon after
landed, and were very civily received by the Inhabitants, who attended
us on the shore.
We askt them the name of the
Country, who told us that
formerly it had been called Lupania or by some Vulpinia,
but its later and truest appellation was Villa Franca, or Ramallia; but the Dutch-men call it
The grumbling of our dissatisfied guts, would not permit us to ask
more questions, and indeed if we had, we should not have been heard for
their croaking noise; which the Inhabitants understanding without more
ceremony conducted us to their Metropolis or chiefe City, where
by the Governor and his Assistants, we were very well
The next day we were shown the Antiquities, Curiosisities, and
strength of this City.
And now give me leave to acquaint you with my Observations.
Franca, or Ramallia, lyeth contiguous to Terra del Templo,
the Fleta lying at some distance thereof to the North-East:
In the Description of this Ramallia I must look into Terra
del Templo, but shall not pry into its Court, nor any the
standing houses, the House-keepers lodging nor into the menial
precincts of the Inns of Court, farther, than they stand for Refuge and
Relief of the neighbouring
And indeed (since the general purgation by fire) the first, and
chiefest of all, which for advantage of ground, for fortifications, for Water works, Posterns, Passages, Supplies, and provisions by land,
or otherwise, is that so far fam'd and so fitly nam'd Ramillia:
In it are several Garrisons of old Soldiers, every one of the which is
able to lead a whole Army of Younger Debtors.
They call their Muster-role in the
Round Church, which might
more properly be called their Corps du Guard; then they draw
them out into the Cloysters, and either exercise them there, or
in the Garden, which is an excellent Military Spot for
that purpose; but under the Blowers in the Rum Stampers
(called the Kings Bench walks) they pitch their set Battles,
where every evening that ground (which was lifted in, and level'd for
their use) is fil'd with men of desperate or undaunted resolution.
The first work in
Ramallia, is rais'd and contrived in the
form of a Ram; there is no other reason I can render for it, but
that Rams were of great use in the Jewish Discipline, for
Batteries, as you may read in Josephus his History more at large.
This work is of reasonable strength; in former times it had a watch
Tower in the similitude of a Coblers shop adjoyning; from whence all
the forces about are called together, upon the least approach of the
There is another, called the
Maiden-head, and is impregnable,
where the Enemy dares not come within shot, and is the nearest to the
confines of Terra del Templo.
There are other pretty contrived Platforms, as
the Falcon, Mitre, &c. and these in the fashion and form of
Cook-shops; where if a Setter or Spy chance to peep in at them
(though very dark) they will make him pay for the roast, before he
To this Ramallia, or
Ramy-kins, belongs a very great
Fleet, consisting of many Sail, well man'd, and are a great
preservation to the Ramy-kins.
This place, according to the late Geographical Map, as well as the
report of antient Writers, cannot possibly be so besieged, but that
they within may go in and out at their pleasure, without impeachment;
for at the Middle-Temple Gate, they issue in spight of the
Devil; at the Inner-Temple Gate, they fear no colours in the
Rain-bow; and at the Postern of the Ramy-kins, in case they
cannot make over to Fetter-lane, but discover Ambuscado's, they
need only draw their bodies within guard of Pike, turn faces about, and
retreat through the Mitre.
Now admit they stand for
Rio del Plata (commonly called
Fleet street) and be so intercepted that they cannot recover the
Ramy-kins, all that is required in that case, is but to mend their
March; fall downward, as if they gave way, suddenly discharge their
right-hand file, and fall easily into Sergeants Inn; where by antient
Treaty had between this famous place, and Terra del Templo, it
was agreed, That the parties in such distress might (paying a small
Fee) have convoy and conveyance without the re-hazzard of any of their
If at any time they had a mind to Forrage, they are no sooner out of
the Middle Temple Gate, but there is a threefold way to defend
them; the Bell Inn, the Bar Gate, and Shire lane.
The passage through the Rum Stampers under the Blowers,
is a most excellent safe way for close contriving and retriving:
neither is the Gardners Wharfage (as the Tide may serve) any ways
To speak the truth, the nature of
Ramallia is much alter'd in
few years, neither is the place so much frequented as formerly by
Forreigners for Refuge, the Inhabitants slighting or being careless in
the preservation of their antient Priviledges.
This place in former time was very populous, in such sort, that they
were forced to send their people abroad into Forreign Plantations, of
which they had, and have still some very considerable, for Example, Milford-lane, Fulwoods Rents, Baldwins-Garden, Great St. Bartholomews,
the Fryers, Mountague-clese, with divers others; I shall thus
run them over, as I have nam'd them.
Milford-lane was at first taken by indigent Officers and
their Companies, who coming hither and liking the scituation, did there
erect divers works, both to the Land and Water side, for their security.
As they came in by conquest, so they hold it by the sword, and
notwithstanding their title hath been much disputed heretofore, yet
they have now commuted the matter, prov'd Plantation, and have withal
reduced it to a most absolute Hance and free Town of it self, without
The chiefest benefit they have for securing their persons, is by
Water, for to the land there is little safety, when they are once
without their works.
Fulwoods Rents I could never well approve of for a place of
Refuge, it lies so on the Main Continent, and therefore requires the
stricter watch, and yet with the greatest care cannot lie safe.
At the upper end of these Rents, and at the very Portall of
Purpool Palace westward, was a most excellent piece of work begun,
which had it not been interrupted by those that Play'd upon it
from Above; questionless it had been the strongest and surest
Hold that ever was raised within the Continent for this purpose.
The Back-gate into
Graies-Inn lane, with the benefit of
Bauldwins Gardens is of excellent use; but the passages through
certain Inns on the Field-side, are not attempted without hazard, by
reason of the straggling Troops of the Enemy, who lie Purdue in every
The safest way of Sally, is that through the Walks, from whence the
Red-Lyon in Graies-Inn-lane receives them with good quartering,
and passes them through the back way into the Main Land.
Bauldwins Gardens is a Fortress of considerable strength,
being much embellisht of late, and the Pavement near the Battlements is
renewed, so that the Defendants may march much more commodiously to the
Breast-works; the Canniballs or Tenter-hooks have made
several attempts to storm this Fortress, but have commonly come off
with considerable loss, and though notable Shavers have not come off so
trimly, but that they were forced to make their escape through the Bog-house.
There was a famous Cittadel belonging to the
long since surprized and taken in by the Enemy, it still retains the
name of Great St. Bartholomews, upon whose Platform a whole Army
of Borrowers and Book-men might have been mustred and drawn out in
length, or into what , 25, sig. E] form or figure it had pleased them
to cast themselves.
What works, yea what variety of Art and Workmanship was within it?
What an excellent half-Moon was there cast up without it, for defence
to the Eastward? What excellent Sconces, in the fashion of
Tobacco-shops and Ale-houses in all parts of it.
But alas these are demolisht, for the most part, the old Soldiers
discharg'd, and all delivered up into the hand of the Enemy upon
The frequent assaults that have been made upon St.
Jerusalem, have rendred the place incapable of holding out longer,
so that the band of Borrowers there billeted are disbanded and dismist.
The Fryers Augustine and
Cruciate, Black, White and
Gray, had all their Cowls pull'd or'e their heads, and were for the
most part led into the City captive, where they remain to this day.
It is believed by most of the Sword-men thereunto belonging, that
these places had ne'r been lost, had they not suffer'd those of the
freedom to dwell among them, who increased and multiplyed after that
wonderful manner, that by their general planting, they supplanted the
Nobility and Gentry which upheld their Liberties, and in the end
engrossed all the power of Office, Trust and Authority into their
hands, and thereby did set open the Gates to let the Military men of
the Mace to enter and surprize all.
The Commanders of the City were only content upon Treaty, to article
and agree with those of the Black-Fryers, that notwithstanding
they so entred upon Conquest, yet the old Companions, especially the English Feather-makers, the
Scotch Taylors, and the
Shoo-makers, with some Forreign Forces, should enjoy their antient
priviledges without molestation or interruption, or any other that will
manfully fight for their antient rights and customs.
To the Northward of the
Black-Friers, lies a very strong and
formidable Cittadel belonging to the Enemy, standing on the brow of an
Hill, which scours all the whole Country about.
This Cittadel is guarded like
Marselles with Bloodhounds, who
almost daily bring in a great number of Prisoners upon horses, called Duce facias's.
This place is so remarkable I cannot pass it by without a small
It is much like the Apples of
Sodom, better for sight without
than in; Its whose prospect from within, are Iron grates, where through
every Transen, the forlorn Captives may take a view of the Iron Age;
there is one single entrance, which like Hells Gate, lets many in, but
few out, turn once the Ward—Et vestigia nulla retrorsum. The
Cimmerians in their dwellings resemble these in their lodgings, only
their lights are different; those receive some scatter'd beamlings by
their Mountain Crannies; these by their disconsolate loopholes:
Yet from above, the Inhabitants may take a view of all those places
which club'd to their restraint: and be reminded of the loss of time
which brought them thither. The Governour hereof is careless whence
they come, but infinitely cautious how they go away; and if they go
away without his favour, they are in great danger to break their necks
for their labour.
This place holds as much as the world; all its inhabitants are
either good or bad; here is a good Prisoner, and he makes contemplation
his refection; nothing can confine him, because he finds nothing fit to
entertain him which Earth can afford him: here is a fat sensual
Prisoner, who is content with any place that may belul his clowdy
understanding in a careless sleep, freedom and bondage are
indifferently equal to his fruitless pilgrimage; here is the lean
Prisoner, who one would think had procured such a divorce from his
flesh, as if he had only enter'd into covenant with his spirit; whose
weak exhausted feature proceeding from the defective reversions of a
trencher, merits pity, bearing the Characters , 27, sig. E2] of his
tenury in the dying colours of his Physiognomy. To be out at Elbows
here is to be in fashion, it being a great indecorum not to be
Every man shews here like so many wracks on the Sea, here the ribs
of five hundred pound, here the relick of a shop well furnished, and a
good portion with his Wife. The Company one with the other, is but a
vying of complaints, and the causes they have to rail at fortune & fool
themselves, and there is a great deal of good fellowship in this. The
mirth of this place is but feigned, where over a large dose they
endeavour to keep themselves from themselves, and so drown the torment
of thinking what they have been. They huddle up their lives as a thing
of no use, and wear it out like an old suit, the faster the better; and
he that deceives the time best, best spends it.
In the next place, I should speak somwhat of
but that I think it doth not properly belong to the Ramy-kins,
and therefore I shall desist, and give you an account what the nature
and disposition of these people are which appertain to Ramallia,
or the Ramy-kins, with the Territories thereunto belonging, as
also what those people are that fight against them.
The manners and dispositions of
the Ramallians, with their Religion, Laws, and Customs.
They are a wandring sort of people who, like the
never abide long in a place, but remove often, carrying all that they
have about them.
They are very fearful and cautelous, and dangerous to be dealt
withall; and you cannot affrom them worse, than to bring any Mace by
way of barter, for they hate it worse than a Jew Swines flesh.
You may know them from any other people by these marks following.
If any of them have occasion to walk into the Imperial City, to be
sure at the lanes end he looks behind him, and after he hath turned out
of sight he mends his pace in an extraordinary degree of footmanship,
till he hath gain'd some ground of the followers; and then he makes
another stand, to take notice whether any of them have arrived thither
with more than ordinary speed, or precipitate himself at the coming
about at the Lanes end, which he knows to be the certain sign of the
Enemies besetting him.
He loves variety of apparel, and hates (if he have it) to be known
long in a Suit; ask him the question, and he will give you an account
of all the Taverns with back-doors, especially such which lead to the
water side; and envies the encrease of the Moon more then the decrease
of his Fortunes.
He is a great enemy to idleness, for he loves not to see one leaning
on a Stall, or looking about him, and cannot endure whistling after
They may be paralel'd with the Jews, who are a mixt people born in
several places, yet coming from one stock, and are as much Infidels
occasioned by the Infidelity of others.
They pray not in common form, but that the Commons may meet in form
aforesaid; and no sin sticks so close to their Consciences, as that
they ever paid any thing to their Creditors in part.
As for their Religion I can speak little of it; only this, they
believe liberty to be Heaven, Money the Guardian Angel that conducts
them thither: They hold there is a local Hell, which is placed in the
Center of a Prison, and their Creditors the Devils which torment them;
they believe there are several Purgatories, the principal whereof do
lie in Woodstreet and in Grocers Alley, where Paying
instead of Praying gives deliverance.
And now it is high time to relate who are the Enemies to these
Ramallians, who implacably assault them upon
Within London there are two Regiments of
one is encamped in the Poultry, the other in Woodstreet;
at both which places there are great numbers attending their Colours,
where they are ever ready to sally upon the Alarm or signal given;
others of them guard their Colonels person by turns; the rest are
appointed and exposed as followeth.
Some of the best able and most trusty of the Cavalry (as their
service requires, and especially in Term time) are planted at Teste
Royal, near Chancery lane end, to make good that place, and
to cut off such as issue out of the works on the other side, or come
down from other parts to put themselves under the protection of Terra del Templo, and the places thereunto nearly adjacent.
Of these Chancery-lane-end men, (if the design do deserve it)
some two or three of them are drawn out to defeat the passage between
the Middle Temple and Bell yard, or the Bar-gate, but
this is upon especial occasion, and therefore seldome attempted, but
when they have intelligence of some extraordinary booty coming that way.
Others of them are quarter'd in
Smithfield, where every
Monday, Wednesday and Friday they stand charg'd and cockt, ready to
give fire at every poor Butcher in the Graziers quarrels; and these are
of their Infantry.
Others are on every Market day commanded for
where they serve one day under the Tanner against the Shoo-maker,
another day under the Butcher against the Tanner, and sometimes the
Scrivener against both.
Others are appointed to several other Markets, where rather than not
be employed in service, they will bear arms against the very
Butter-wives (enough to make their very hearts to melt with the very
thought on't) who wont be satisfied without a greasing in the fist.
The eldest sort of them, such as hold charge rather for their advice
than ability, are laid at the Exchange, where though the service
be daily, and the Nations against whom they serve are a stubborn
stomachful people, meeting ever at dinner and supper time, yet the
danger is but small, in regard they have the Country round about to
The only Desperveio's among them are severally appointed to
the several Gates, where they secure and keep clear the passage to the
Bars being the utmost extent of their works.
For stratagems of War they are most excellent; to gain a Conquest by
surprize, they sometimes wear a Porters Frock, and with a pretended
Letter effect their purpose.
A Lawyers or a Parsons Gown is somtimes of singular use, (latet
quod non patet.)
The habit of a Country Bumpkin somtimes will not do amiss,
especially if booted and with dirt debaubed; they have a thousand
tricks besides, but so cunningly intricate, that I cannot describe them.
It may be expected that I should say something of the Discipline of
the Bayliffs, but to say the truth, I hold them not worthy to be
discoursed of, nor to be ranked with men of the Mace, and therefore, by
my good will, I will have nothing to do with them at any hand.
It is time to return to
Ramallia, and give you a further
account of that place; I have already discourst the nature of the
Climate and the people, with a geographical description of that Country
and the Plantations thereunto belonging, not omitting their strength
within themselves, and the form of their Adversaries without; the next
thing I shall treat of is the several Schools of Learning contained
herein, as also an account of their Laws and Customs.
As there are several Schools, so there are several Arts and Sciences
Some moody Souls there are here, who will drink till they are
Maudling drunk, and then weep their Liquor out as fast as they drink
it, these men are said to study Hydromancy.
He that walks up and down a room smoaking whilst the rest of the
Company is sitting, is stiled a Peripatetick.
He that prattles perpetually, interlining every sentence with a
causless misbecomming laughter, is a Naturalist.
He that in his Cups falls into theological disputes, or builds
Castles in the Air, studieth Metaphysicks.
He that cannot drink a little extraordinary, but presently vomits to
ease himself and offend the Company, is a young Practitioner in Physick.
He that boasts of his Travels, and impudently professeth to have
been in places he never saw but in a Map, is called a Cosmographer.
He that hath attained to the Art of Wheedling, and can by a word or
two wind himself into credit among strangers (for he that knows him
will not trust him for a farthing) this man is stiled a Rhetorician.
He that by the overflowing of his Cups perpetually sings tunes
la mode, and so saves his reckoning, is one of the Quire, or
He that can so insinuate or wriggle himself into the affection of
some wealthy Maid, Wife, or Widdow, as to have his necessities supplyed
from time to time by a liberal and generous contribution, is a perfect
Logician, having gotten Piscator in Romum by heart.
He that by specious pretences and subtle perswasions hath gotten
largely into a Vintners score, and for some special kindnesses hath
borrowed so much money of his wife to cancel the debt, without the
least mistrust of an overflowing familiarity, is a Merchant
Adventurer, and a singular good Accountant.
He that falls down on his back with a Pipe of Tobacco in his Mouth,
fast asleep, is a proficient in Astronomy.
Lastly, He that reels in the streets, as if they were too narrow to
contein him, is a Geometrician.
Their Military School.
There is one very famous Military School which is held in great
estimation, in that it brings the Students to a great proficiency in a
very little time, and thus the Students therein concern'd are rankt
according to their Qualifications.
He that flings a bottle down stairs, to no other intent than to
double the Files, and inflame himself as well as the reckoning, is
stiled Marshal of the Field.
He that found out that crafty knack of calling for a Gill of Canary,
and thereby meant a Pint, and so an half Pint a Quart, by which the
intemperance of a compacted jovial Crew was muffled up from the
knowledg of their serious Relations, I say this man they call Master of
He that runs all the Town over having no other business than to find
out so much Liquor as will send him drunk to bed, is called Scout-Master-General.
He that drinks three Glasses in a hand, is
He that in a hot dispute of headstrong resolute Bacchanalians
gets first drunk in the Society, is made Captain of a foot company,
and he that is last drunk is Lieutenant.
He that is quarrelsome in his Liquor, and upon the least occasion
delivers his box about, is Marshal of the Regiment.
He that will not fight upon just occasion given, but turns his
revenge upon the Innocent Drawer, is a Drum Major, but he that
draws upon every body is a Serjeant.
He whose indigency makes a meer hanger on, and being a
Low-Country Soldier, is made Gentleman of the
He that makes two Pence serve for his expence in company, though the
stay be very long, is Lanspresado, or Powder-Mnkey.
He that will not let any small trifling thing escape his hands, but
instantly secures them, as Knives, Handkerchiefs, Gloves, &c. is termed
, 19, sig. F]
He that will drink eight and forty hours without sleep, or if he
should chance to catch a nap, he lyeth rough, this man is called an old Soldier.
Their Court of Admiralty or
He that bears briskly up in the turbulent waves of an Ocean of
Liquor, is Master or Pilot of a Ship.
He that spills his Liquor on the table, and then leans and lolls his
elbows in it, is Swabber.
He that will never let the glass stand still; but when it lies at
his Neighbours door, out of a covetous principle, steals it from him,
is a Dutch Caper, or Pirate.
He that is suddenly taken with the hickup, is
He that is perpetually smoaking, Cook; and he that belcheth or
breaketh wind backwards, is Trumpeter.
In what manner the Inhabitants
hold their Lands.
We have already shown you what kind of Philosophy and Soldiery is
profest and practised in Ramallia; we shall describe next, how
the Inhabitants hold their Lands.
Imprimis, He that by impertinent foolish discourse or apish
gesture makes himself a laughing stock to the whole Company, is Tenant
He that watcheth all opportunities to kiss his Landlady, her
Daughter, or her Maid, so that he stick to one only, is Tenant in Tail special.
He that kisseth all that come nigh him without distinction of
persons, is Tenant in Tail general.
He that is half Seas over (i. e. three quarters drunk) yet
will run madding after Mutton, without the consideration of its being
sound or rotten, is Tenant in Tail, after possibility of Issue
He whose head is lop heavy by too large a Grace-cup, and takes a
nap, is Tenant by the Courtesie of England.
If a parcel of merry Wives frequently meet at a Tavern or elsewhere
to drown'd the troublesome thoughts of having pevish aged impotent
husbands, they are Tenants in Dowr.
He that hath heels much lighter than his head, holds in Soccage; and
he that hath an head much lighter than his heels, holds in Capite.
He that drinks with his hat off, Tenders in homage; if on the knee
besides, doth his fealty.
He whose Wife will not suffer him to be drunk, unless she may be
drunk with him, either in the same company or elsewhere, is a Free-holder
He that sneakingly capitulates about the reckoning, till some franck
generous soul hath discharged it, is a poor Copy-holder.
Lastly, That mean spirited thing which suffers it self to be drag'd
home by his Wife from the Alehouse, with railing reproachful speeches,
is Tenant at will, and deserves to be kicked over his own
I might enlarge my self upon this subject: let this suffice for any
rational man to guess at the rest. I shall in the next place tell you
what are the qualifications of their principal Officers.
The Principal Officers of
Ramallia, and their Qualifications.
As Arts and Sciences are not attained unto, but with great labour
and study, so high Titles are not commonly obtained without singular
worth: but in this sensual drunken Country the worst of men have the
best preferment; for he that drinks much and talks little, is a Judge.
He that will not drink an health by any means, and yet will make an
hard shift but will go to bed intoxicated, is a Justice of Peace.
He that continually clacks with his Tongue, so that no other talk
can be heard, is a Barrester.
He that forcibly puts his friend or acquaintance into the Tavern or
Alehouse, is a Counter Serjeant.
He that being proud of his parts, and very opinionative, , 35, sig.
F2] will engross all the discourse to himself, is Fore-man of the Jury.
He that bawls and wrangles in his liquor, is Cryer of the Court.
He that drinks in hugger mugger, is a Bencher.
He that is lost in his own argument, is a Mooter.
He that scorns to baulk his Liquor, is a hopeful young Student.
He that takes the tale out of another mans mouth, is a Publick
He that talks he knows not what, a Sollicitor.
He that is tediously long in telling his own stories, is a Register;
and he that is ever kind and complemental in his Liquor, is a Civilian.
Be pleased to take notice, That he who calls his Landlady Whore,
puts in his Declaration; he that is melancholy or sottishly drunk, is
said to demur upon the Plantiff; he that payeth the whole reckoning
suffering none else to pay a farthing, Pronounceth Judgment; he that
fumbleth in his pocket till the reckoning be paid, is quit by
Proclamation, and he that gives his Landlord a bill Obligatory, under
hand and Seal to stop his mouth for the present, is saved by his Clergy.
Special Cases in the Law of
Ramallia, as they have been argued privately, between Mr. Simon
Spend-all, Son to Sir Ferdinando Sackbut; and Philip Philpot, Son and
Heir to Giles Spiggot.
The first Case.
If a Debtor at any time be frighted by a Capias, or any other Writ,
and he fly for safety, it shal be free for him to enter forceably into
the next Tenement adjacent, without trespassing, especially if the Door
or Window be checquered with blew or red, and all because when the
Landlord demanded Quo Jure, or by what right this Entrance was
made, it was answered Libertate probanda; in this Case the
Landlord shall by a Dedimus potestatem, give him entertainment
if the Defendant please usque diem clausit extremum, after the
expiration of which time the Defendant paying the Fees of the House,
shall remove himself by virtue of a Habeas Corpus where he list,
but in default of payment, the Landlord may stop him by a Writ, called
a Ne Exeat Regnum, provided the Defendants heels prevent not the
The second Case.
If three Gentlemen, boon Associats and true Topers, purchase twenty
bottles of Canary to themselves and the remainder over in Fee to their
servants; if these men grow intoxicated (Anglice drunk) before
their Masters without issue, the remainder reverts (i.e.
returns) as Escheat to the Donor, and the surviving Purchaser (his
fellows being defunct to all outward appearance) goes away with the
whole, which he may alienate to the next commer in, or to whom he
pleaseth, non obstante the Statute of Alienation.
The third Case.
If there be two Brethren, the one whereof (the elder) is seized of a
Noble in Credit, and shall be made dead drunk, the younger Brother may
enter as the next Heir upon the Noble in Demesne, and presently
convey it over in Fee to the Landlord; but unless he please, the Noble
shall not descend, because the Elder brother dyed not seized.
A fourth Case, very remarkable.
In case of Linnen, it hath been adjudged, that if three good fellows
and constant Companions have but one shirt between them, and that these
three (seeing none of their other shifts will do them any good) jointly
consent this shirt shall be sold, it shall be lawful for them to expose
it to sale, vended and condemned for the common good of three, and that
forthwith the money be spent in the cherishing that blood that retired
from the extream parts, being chil'd with the fright of parting with so
dear and near a friend.
A fifth Case.
If any Student having a mind to follow his
call to a Servitor to bring him a book, and he bring him a Decimo sexto for a
octavo for a
quarto, or a
vicessimo quarto for a
although the Student turn it over for instruction sake, yet if
his choler be moved by a dislike of the volumn, he may lawfully
knock it about the Servitors ears, and may beat learning into
his pate till he break the cover of the book, or his
coxcomb, and afterwards justifie it by a Decree made by the Masters of Brazen Nose.
A sixth Case.
If three poor Scholars happen to visit a
School in the
Suburbs, and having viewed the
Library therein, where are
books of the
old English character, and having
a while, are called to an account for their learning, and
thence arise a hot dispute, insomuch that the Library keeper
is soundly beaten for his pains, they may by force of Common-Law
depart in the heat of that dispute, scot-free, and shot-free.
A seventh Case, no less admired
for its antiquity as for its obscurity.
After that old
seignior John had heard of the unkind dealing
of Edmund towards Marmaduke, when that Nicholas
came to intreat Roger to go to Nathaniel to certifie William that
Jeffery was at variance with
notwithstanding that Joseph was arrested by Henry at the
suit of Ralph, he comes unto Robert to certifie Randolph, that
Ambrose would be revenged of
for the love he bore to Silvester, whereupon Jaspar had
like to have slain Theophilus, which when Edward espied,
he made it appear both to Luke and to Francis, that Rowland was the cause of this falling out, and all was because
Samuels bald Nag was put into
Martins stable in the dead of
the night, by Thomas, Andrew and Ahsolon, and that they
would not deliver him out to Hugh unless James and Giles became bound unto
drew his knife at Oliver the Hostler, and had like to have
slain him, had not Peter and John held his hands whilst Gabriel and
Isaac ran for
the two Constables of the Town, but before they could return, oln
Father Adam, by the help of Philip, had so far pacified
the parties as to come to a good agreement, or else compremise. Quere, who is in fault?
The eighth Case.
It so hapned, that whilst
Jenkins was on the Ladder thatching
of an house, a Sow that was bent on Mischief, ran her head through the
rounds of the Ladder, nor could this be avoided, notwithstanding he was
admonisht of the danger approaching, by Alexander his faithful
servant; Lewis observing this unlucky accident, cry'd out
Murder, the noise whereof awakened Jeremy out of a drunken
sleep, who instantly laid hold on Edgar, swearing bitterly if Charles did not immediately run and fetch
should hold up his hand at the Bar; this so inraged George,
that Andrew with a quarter staff did let drive at Josua
in such sort, that had not Richard interposed, Hubert
had undoubtedly been knockt on the head; Valentine was all this
while eating hasty pudding for his breakfast, the sight whereof so
sharpned Benjamin's revenge, that snatching the pudding out of
his hands, eating up the one half, he threw the rest scalding hot in
the face of Tobias; hereupon Moses and Jacob
rubbing their eyes did very much condemn the sauciness of Simon;
at this up starts Ezechiel and Gregory, protesting they
could no longer indure the leud and insolent carriage of Phineas,
which caused Fredrick to acknowledg, that Nehemiah was
in the right; how can that be, said Ferdinando, since it is well
known to Zachary, that Simon, Humphrey and Daniel
were all concerned in the conspiracy of the aforesaid malitious Sow,
in the taking away the life of the poor Thatcher.
A ninth and last Case.
Whilst Martha was frying Tripe for
in came Susan and assaulted Barbarah a young widdow, Jane hereupon took the frying-pan and threw it about the house, and
it so hapned that a broad piece of Tripe fell so exactly all over Judiths face, that
Ann could not see the way out of door to
call in Jone to the assistance of Frances, who by this
time had her face so plaister'd with boyling hot Custard, by the cruel
dealing of Lucy and Elizabeth, that it was verily
believed by Alice and Mary, that Priscilla the
Virgin would go near to miscarry upon it; hereupon Sarah was
much troubled that the patience of Grizel should exceed that of Elenors in suffering
Esther to knock down
with a Churmstick into the dripping-pan, Beatrice seeing this,
did with violence thrust Sisly up to the arm-pits in a pan of
hot codlings, in the mean time Deborah and Thomasin had
pull'd off each others head-gear, and had so claw'd one the others face
that they could not see how to put an end to the present difference. Quere, what must be done in both these Cases?